i've always wanted to be an astronaut. did i spell that right?

so i'm unemployed. which is fantastic in many ways. one being that i have an unbelievable tan, and another being that i no longer have a reason not to get drunk at least 4 nights a week. but the one that everyone keeps talking about, is that i now have the opportunity to follow my dreams. every time someone says this i shudder. i know the follow up question. i see the hope, the joy, the excitement in their eyes as they ask, "so what is your dream? what is it that you've always wanted to do? what is your passion?"

i start to sweat. i nervously avoid eye contact. what do i say? i can audibly hear their hearts break as i answer truthfully, "i'm not totally sure." and just like that, i've stripped them of all those childhood pipe dreams which they'd hoped to vicariously live through me. i anxiously try to cover for myself by throwing out a few vague references to things i know i'd enjoy. "i like to write," "i love fashion," "marketing is cool"... but it's no use. the damage has been done. really, it's an agonizing exchange for both parties. i try my darndest not to look lost and insecure about my lack of concrete life goals, and they try to hide their very apparent disappointment. as far as i can tell, i could say that my life's ambition has always been to be a pole dancer, and i believe that it would be far less of a let down than simply being unsure.

am i the only person in the world who doesn't have a specific dream job? does everyone out there know exactly what they want to be when they grow up? and dear god, am i actually a grown up?

so like the indecisive person that i am i've been looking around for some other source to tell me what it is that i've always wanted to do. i've consulted my magic 8 ball on many occasions and all i can get is, "cannot predict now." i check my horoscope every morning, but so far all it's told me is that i've finally caught the eye of that "office hottie." (what office? are they hiring?) i even went to a palm reader, and all she could say was that i have the "hands of a superstar." which is funny b/c i've always thought i had the hands of a fat person. (seriously. my hands are fat.)

so at the end of the day, i know this: my magic 8 ball is broken, my rather large superstar hands hold a yet unknown future, and there is a very good looking man in my dream office just waiting to ask me out. so if someone could just tell me where that is, i'd be very appreciative. and until then, PLEASE stop asking me about my dream job, as currently, "my reply is hazy."